Piss me off & get me drunk & just see what comes out of my head after a 14 hour workday. Sometimes I'm a bit bitchy.

I was let down again, yes, again & by the same motherfucker who's been letting me down for YEARS & yes it's my own fucking fault for believing that he didn't want to hurt me... he just wanted to talk.

Problem is we can't talk without him professing his undying love for me & insisting that we're soul mates & meant to be together & trying to talk me into hopping a plane to Florida to become his mistress or some shit while he bides his time with his baby-mama (had to use that phrase, sorry, it's just all so Springer it makes me vomit) & just him mentioning it makes me feel pretty low-down & dirty because I actually was in love with him & that's a shit thing to offer one who's truly enamored of you.

I can't imagine ripping out the heart of your "soul mate" on accident, let alone on purpose & so I've come to the conclusion that he is bad at making choices & therefore decided not to choose. Decided to have us both, in any way he could & well, I won't have it. I can't be "that" to someone. The one thing outside of their everyday bullshit that keeps them sane or makes them feel like they are worth more than they are. It's a shit thing to be because of its blatant onesidedness. EVERY time I've needed him to be there for me, he hasn't.

If he'd only told me he needed someone to help him sort out the death of his Mom, or the direction his life is headed, or the weak spots in his relationship, I'd have done my best to help him with that ... but he didn't. He instead tells me I should have been the mother of his child & that the mother she's got is crazy as a loon, bipolar with a borderline personality disorder & she's a cutter to boot & he's pretty sure she's fucking around on him & he doesn't know what to do about anything. I just thought she was an orphaned nazi, apparently that was only the tip of the iceberg & untrue since I found out this past weekend that her parents are alive & a part of her & Rory's life.

I don't understand liars.

I'm not even sure the other crazy shit he tells me about her is true.

Goddess only knows what he tells her about me.

Nope, don't understand liars...

& I never will.

So I'm trying to figure out what would be different in my life had I not emailed him back when he tracked me down in January & well, not much would be different. I'm pretty happy. I'm doing alright by myself & am proud of the way in which I got to where I am. I sleep well & I drink well & I eat well & I smile often & I have amazing friends & a fucked up (but loving) family & a kick-ass music collection & I've got a boy who is kind to me & I can't say I'm lacking in much.

He never brings anything to my life except for a strong sense of what might be/might have been that looms heavy on the horizon & weighs down my heart like someone parked an elephant on my chest. Making it hard to breathe & hard to concentrate on the day to day.

Who needs that? Who would intentionally let that in?

Me.

That's who.

Poppy Lynn ... she'll let it in, she'll shoulder all of your crap & tell you it's alright that you fucked up your life & the life of a girl you hardly knew & the life of an innocent baby who will now get to grow up in a household with two people who don't know each other but thought it an okay thing to bring her into the world together.

Humans are shit.

Stupid, upright animals with no sense of propriety or honor.

No sense of anything but "ME, ME, ME" & no real idea of who they are at all.

I'm tired. I forgot how talking to him & dealing with the whole secrecy factor drains me, so I'm gonna stop venting & go curl up with my heating pad (for the cramps which are eeesh this month) & my book & then tomorrow night I'm going to karaoke to take The J (those of you who read my older diary Opusshrugged will remember that she's the little girl I nannied for six years) out for her TWENTY-FIRST birthday.

TWENTY-FIRST! damn.

i'm feeling like i should change my name to Oldy McOlderton.

:blowing my speakers: Ani Difranco ~ Swan Dive
:feeding my head: Jennifer Weiner ~ Goodnight Nobody

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