You would think that someone as proficient with words as I might be able to dig around absent-mindedly & form the perfect apology. I've been trying for twenty years & still nothing comes.

Even a good cry & a bottle of Shiraz aren't helping.

Got the new Ani caressing my cochlea & the wine relaxing my tongue & together they calm my tear ducts & I keep thinking that if I write it out maybe it might go the fuck away.

I don't know how to write about it though.

Don't know what to say.

A couple of months ago my younger brother got drunk & told my mother that our older cousin had molested us (along with another cousin, his own younger brother) when we were children.

Until that night I thought I was the only one who remembered. I never said anything for fear of forcing them to feel all of this when maybe they didn't have to. I just sort of swallowed it whole & let it roll around in my gut for a very long time & once in a while it would fight its way to the surface & I'd wig out a bit, but eventually I'd force it back down (gin is marvelous for the washing away of old memories).

I did my best to protect my little brother as we grew up, because in my heart I felt feel that I failed to do so as a child.

<< :: >>