The house is piled, every corner, piles of boxes marked "kitchen", marked "garage", marked "Maddy's room".

I'm going to miss my peanut.

In a week I'll begin the overhaul, from studio to house ... from visitor to resident. Everything is so bare. Not like my sister is a cluttery decorator or anything (she's actually very sparse & loves everything WHITE), but the things she did have around... pictures she had hung being gone make it seem so empty here & I hope I'm able to make it feel like a home ... like my home ... to me.

Today is the first day off I've had in twelve days. Watching the rain ... listening to Willie Nelson's Teatro. The perfect soundtrack for rainy days & hearts that get broken again & again. I want Tom Waits to redo this entire fucking album, gah ... that'd be effing amazing. Especially "Home Motel" ... mmmm, I can hear his voice smashing through it now. I'm always left feeling the fool. Always. Feeling like "I should've known better" & actually I do know better, but I ignore that knowledge. Shun it like I shun plague ridden rodents.

Don't worry ... I'm not sad.

Not sad as much as resigned to this. Alternating twelve & fourteen hour shifts, seeing shows with friends & smiling even when my smiles aren't mine & longing... longing... longing for something invisible. I'm too old to pine away my hours. So once again, I'll get the laundry done & vaccuum the studio & go out for drunken shopping with the heterosexual life partner & I'll push everything back & convince myself that it's all going fine.

I'm doing well.

I'm whole & strong & breathing.

Been very happy lately if I think about it. Giddy in fact, at the prospect of having an actual home of my own. The whole committing thing hasn't even freaked me out yet, this is a good sign. It's because I've felt as if I were hovering, going place to place & never settling in or being comfortable for a long while now. It will be so soothing to settle in. Settle. Simmer. Shimmer. Yeah, it'll be nice.

I'll shine.

Perk up.

Eventually, because that's just what a Poppy does.

She perks up.

Just Add Guinness.

Beth Orton tomorrow in San Francisco, Rhett Miller & Nicolai Monday in San Francisco.

I'm squealing inside.

Even if I'm whining outside.

:blowing my speakers: Willie Nelson ~ Darkness on the Face of the Earth
:feeding my head: Christopher Moore ~ Practical Demonkeeping
:rotting my brain: VH1 Classic

<< :: >>