Should be sleeping.

That's all I can think at the moment, but I came home from work & Mom & Dad invited me to dinner at The Pub & so I consented & finished two fish tacos, six pints of Guinness & three shots of Jager & now I'm home & not sleepy.

Or maybe I'm sleepy, but not ready to lay down.

I keep erasing paragraphs.

Erasing paragraphs & losing faith in my conviction at this point in the evening ... this point in my life.

I can't say I believe in me, but I have asked for two things, two things he's hesitant to give, but two things I won't cave until I get.

An apology & a promise.

An apology for disrupting my life, a life I fought tooth & nail to live sanely without him.

A promise that he'll NEVER again try to disrupt said life by his presence, a presence that doesn't deserve to be missed by any part of my being.

Most of you have heard of "M'Lush" at one point or another during your voyage through my daily trials.

I have spent the past seven years in some state of loving, longing, missing, hating, wishing for, writing of, drowning in, loathing, pining over & other such disgusting words pertaining to knowing this man. I decided Sunday morning that I am dumb.

I don't want him, or anything to do with him. I don't believe in him, don't think he's ever been truthful a day in his life & am positive he's found the (sadly) not too intelligent girl he needs to stick by his abusive self for all of time.

Luckily that girl isn't me.

Sadly, I don't think she'll ever realize she deserves more.

I was starstruck by him for seven years.

Not believing I would ever feel something so "real" as I felt for him.

I was mislead, by my own fucking heart ... how harsh is that?

Now I realize that he was nothing but BAD musical taste wrapped up in rehashed, recycled poetry & not quite the Lush my tattoo remembers him to be, but rather an alcoholic with no heart or soul for anything but a cheap buzz & an even cheaper blow job.

Leave it to me to find out too late... or just in time as time would have it.

Either way, a very important chapter in my life has been completed (even if I'll ALWAYS wonder what might have been if I'd have stayed naive to his lies).

The part in which I stop living for the fairy tale & start living the life I deserve with the man who deserves me.

I asked James to consider "living" with me while he's on the road for his year of truck driving.

I'd like him to come home to me when he actually gets to come home. I, well, I think we're great together & I think there's much we have to learn from & with one another & I worry about him as much as he worries about me & though I'm not ready to get all gushy, mushy ... I will say that he is kinder than any man I've ever known. Kind in a way that isn't intentional or forced, just kind because he cherishes me & is curious about what makes me tick & that is so refreshing & endearing to me.

I'm willing to make room for his record collection.

I want to introduce him to my parents.

:blowing my speakers: Counting Crows ~ A Murder Of One
:feeding my head: Jennifer Weiner ~ Goodnight Nobody

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