time will take it all ... & it will you'll see" |
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Saturday, Jun. 17, 2006 @ 11:37 pm Small fits of insanity don't become a lady such as I, but nevertheless they appear & are uncontrollable. Anger is not passion, some things aren't meant to be. Some people aren't worth a fight. Learning to let things go. Even if they are things I feel deserve justification & closure & I've got neither to show for them. My tongue tripped up & I realized that there's nothing there to hear that I might believe ... nothing there that might be true ... promises or apologies or curses or threats. Nothing much matters & I was looking for empty words from a worthless soul anyhow. Head lowered in shame at the fact that I got down & cowered in front of such a coward. Just let go & forgive quietly & then piece by piece forget again, like I did before. Seems though that every time things are forgiven & nearly forgotten, something comes around to remind me. I won't hide again however, I'll block & I'll lock up & I'll not make it easy, but I won't change my name & I won't move again. I'll just remind myself that I'm better off. That I'm the lucky one. That it's pity I feel for them all & leave it at that. Pity. Anger does me no good, not when I'm finding my place & getting along so well in the rest of my life. No good at all. Why do we insist on things we know we'll never get? Why do we waste hours on the unworthy while the precious wait patiently in the wings for us to lift their faces in our hands & kiss them with our eyes wide & our hearts willing ... why? Shouldn't the underlying unhappiness be enough to satiate our egos? This time, I think it is. The misery going on beneath it all, the jealousy & lies that belong to someone else now ... should be enough to compensate for the few minutes I spent slipping back beneath those familiar waves. Got myself up above though, remembered to breathe in & did so soon enough to save something of myself for me. Better than the last time. Though this was the last time. How can it be the last time if last time was supposed to be? Last. last. what lasting impression might this leave? what marks & scars, what bruises & bumps ... what poetry might come, what history be written? none, cause it's the last. There are so many Itunes exclusive Iron & Wine tracks that I've found & I'm downloading & revelling & delicious they are. My body understands those rhythms & rhymes so well, as if they were my own & they prompt me to bring my guitars home. Take a peek in the dusty cases & polish the cherrywood & tune the strings & see what these hands remember & if my voice will come out of hiding for a song or two. Saw Nacho Libre & laughed my silly ass off ("& beneath the man ... is, the ... nucleus") & it gave me courage & I fell flat on my face, but I'll be alright 'cause I pulled myself back up & laughed some more at the naive little girl with scraped up knees still peeking out from behind my shadow. :soothing my raw spots: Iron & Wine ~ Promise What You Will
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