I got the job. Can't yet decide if I've gone mad or if it's just another case of me trying to fill the empty hours with something other than thoughts. I'm not so much stuck thinking of the past as I am caught up in wondering about the future. A futile thing to get caught up in I'm sure we'd all agree, but neverless it's got me hooked.

I guess it comes in part from my sister's wedding. My sister is "the marrying type" & by that I mean, she's never been without a man. I don't think she can stand being single, sometimes I think she sees it as a sign of failure. So now she's married & here I am, five years younger & feeling that my own personal lack of desire to marry is strange. Isn't it human nature to pair off & create new life? Maybe I've just become selfish, having all my time to myself for so long. Maybe I'm a coward, scared to give any part of myself away for fear that when the inevitable end comes I'll be left less than whole once again. Maybe I've not met the right someone, or maybe I already did & let them slip away quietly while I watched the rain & wished they were someone else.

So another job to fill my hours & my pockets. This one only starts off at 7 bucks an hour, but it'll make a noticeable difference in my take home pay. I keep thinking there's a reason I felt like I had to have another job. Maybe I'm preparing for something I haven't yet figured out? I know that some days it takes all I've got not to just jump in my car & leave everything familiar behind. On those days everything about my life seems to be some kind of joke & nothing (aside from a few Gunness) can convince me that's not the truth.

There's all this crap piled up inside my head & it's my own damn fault for I've been very neglectful of my arts & my writing. Haven't gardened or written or painted or doodled or made jewelry or made a mixtape or even played my blessed Guit for a few months now & I don't quite understand why the urge to do so up & vanished. It's not just the urge, it's like there's a a total disregard for all these things I completely loved ... things that consumed me & identified me & now nothing consumes me & I'm afraid I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. I read my books & listen to music & play with Mu Shu & Oonah & that's about it. Aside from work. & now work will be taking up more time than ever & I'm just wondering when I'm going to settle into being myself again. Maybe that version of me has disappeared. Fuck if I know. I suppose the fact that it bothers me shows I'm still in here somewhere.

Maybe the reality of selling off the precious hours of my life for money is finally sinking in. So let's sign up to sell some more shall we?

I make no sense to me lately. I am happy about the job though & start tomorrow afternoon (fifteen minutes after my shift ends at work-work), a means to an end is how I'm looking at it ... not that I know which end. Perhaps I need to figure out what I want from life? Most people figure that out a bit earlier than 31, but then again many never figure it out at all.

Back to importing CDs onto the ol' KazooPod I go. Then it's off to the nursery for some horticulture therapy & then off to pick up some CDs because it's new music Tuesday bitches. One thing that always brings a smile to my face.

:blowing my speakers: Tori Amos ~ Mother Revolution
:feeding my head: Neil Gaiman ~ American Gods
:rotting my brain: Coldplay on The Leak (can't wait for this album, mmmmmm Coldplayalicious)

<< :: >>