I wanted some freedom, but this is ridiculous.

It's only been a week ... a week today in fact & I already miss my fucking job.

I am worried about money & I loathe worrying about money.

It seems like everyone I'm trying to get a job with is a total flake & this does nothing to curb my whole worrying about money situation.

Rue had her baby. Ten days early. Tiny little thing named Emilee Delene. She came out with a full head of dark hair & she's got the longest little legs you've ever seen.
Rue has this look of utter love mixed with tender awe whenever she looks at the baby that makes me tear up like nothing else in the world.

I know I am tearing up because she needed this one good thing to turn her around, but I think in a way I'm tearing up because I doubt I will ever know what it's like. Looking down at a child of my own. If I stay with the boy, I definitely won't.

Everything in my life seems to come in waves of wrongly-timed events.

When, when, when am I ever going to grow up?

I'm trying to kill myself by organic cheese-doodle & vegan chocolate chip overdose. I never was a big fan of either one, but It keeps me from smoking away the stress.

I have gained back all the weight I lost & then some. I am uncomfortable in my skin again. I am scared that I'll give up on myself if I stay with him.

He doesn't make me want to better myself. Isn't he supposed to?

Maybe if I get large enough Maury will come bust me out of my life.

Maybe I can just make some decent decisions instead of letting my heart do it.

I feel sick to my stomach.

I need something positive to focus on.

Sitting on the couch all day, feeling sorry for myself is never a healthy way to keep the depression at bay.

I am so sick of lying about everything. Sick of pretending to be alright with this shitty fucking parody of my Self & my life.

I want my spark back.

I need a genuinely sunny day ... a friend to talk to.

I need to be Poppy again, but I really don't know who that is. Am more lost to myself now than I can remember being before.

All changes I can foresee happening are of the large & scary variety. That's what I get for pretending to settle down.

:blowing my speakers: Tori Amos ~ Putting the Damage On
:feeding my head: Johnathan Lethem ~ Amnesia Moon
:rotting my brain: Aqua Teen season 4

<< :: >>