A few Guinness in & all I can think is that what seemed so full when I lived in the studio is now completely goddamn empty in this house.

I'm actually listening to James Blunt, on purpose no less, even though I can't stand his voice, but I borrowed the cd to make a copy for my sister & now here I sit. Trapped in this huge, empty house with Itunes playing it again & again. There's this song that Nico loves & it made her cry because of me & I've got it on repeat & I'm trying to make some sense but I'm just tipsy enough that nothing will ever make sense.

I don't think I knew how lonely I was until I moved on up & there are all these empty walls staring at me & everything echoes. I actually went out tonight to get away from it. The white, staring walls, there are so many of them here. Staring & taunting me. Daring me to cover them, but settling in is still difficult for me. Harder than it should be.

Uncomfortable to say the least.

Much more comfortable at The Pub with those intimate strangers buying me drinks & knowing I'll never take them home. They think I'm uptight, or stuck up, but actually my brain is constantly preoccupied & I mean no disrespect, but there are so many things I'm working out & I haven't the time to worry about whether "Joan's husband is sleeping with Pat's mother."

I don't give a shit.

I bought a pack of cigarettes tonight.

I smoked two of them & they tasted like heaven.

I'd like another one right now.

I need to paint my nails.

I need to stop & go to bed because tomorrow there's a 13.5 hour shift.

I get next Wednesday off though.

I haven't gotten much done here.

I'm trying.

What if this is my life from now on?

It scares me.

Why can't I just settle into it?

I want to.

What gave me the idea that life was going to hold so much more than this? I went to Trader Joe's & bought $116 worth of groceries (read: beer) tonight in an attempt to feel domestic & at home. In my mind I thought, "fill the cupboards & you'll fill your heart with love for your big old empty house."

It didn't work.

But I have Panda liquorice bites up the wazoo & that's good news.

Are we ever content? Or will we always be wishing for something else?

:blowing my speakers: James Blunt ~ Goodbye My Lover
:feeding my head: latest issue of Paste
:rotting my brain: Dane Cook ... damn "Kool-Aid" makes me laugh & pee

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