i will wait for you, growing love, but like water time will always slip through i will wait for you, but please... come soon" |
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Sunday, Feb. 19, 2006 @ 8:53 pm I suppose a vacation entry is in order. I'm just not feeling it. Honestly I'm not feeling anything since I got home. I have come to the conclusion though that I haven't a clue what I want. Not only that, I also haven't a clue "what I'm doing" as a fellow diarist brought to my attention a couple of hours ago with her simple entry that read only, "i have no idea what i'm doing...." A very generic statement, which could be interpreted a million ways depending upon who reads it, but then that's the fun in words now isn't it? The interpretation of by each individual. It's nice, yet sad to know that I'm not the only one ... 32 years old & I couldn't tell you where I'm going to be in exactly one year. It isn't so much the not knowing that gets me, it's the fact that I haven't the foggiest where I want to be. No clue what I'm doing, where I'm going, what I want. Could be blessings or curses & I'm in no mood to categorize them right this second. Brezney though ... he knows what I need to hear & my horoscope this week reads: "Mirrors should think longer before they reflect," said French filmmaker Jean Cocteau. That's especially true for you this week, Libra. You shouldn't automatically believe every bit of feedback about yourself that comes your way, either from mirrors or any other source. Be skeptical of every image that people have of you, and don't sit there passively while they barrage you with their expectations. In order to further upgrade your integrity (a project I hope you're in the midst of), you may have to make yourself immune, at least temporarily, to what everyone thinks of you. I've been reading his version of my horoscope for the better part of fifteen years now & I can say that sometimes it's his little paragraphs that challenge me to think outside the box I sometimes find myself operating from. We become so many things to so many people that it's simple as hell to lose our true selves along the way. I don't know when the last time I felt like me was ... well that's a lie, but I think sometimes that girl I miss was a different person altogether & she was living another life because I see few similarities between the Me of now & the She of pre Xmas 2003. Can't imagine It was even Me ... I used to be so sure of good things to come & so happy with life. Lately I look at what others expect me to be or want me to be & I just sort of throw that version of me out into the world & keep everything real simmering below the surface. Waiting for someone to make me feel amazing again. To make me remember that I'm a firecracker ... a pistol ... unstoppable & gifted. I worry I'll keep waiting forever. I worry more that I'll stop waiting & settle. Dear Goddess slap me if I do. My vacation was pleasant. My mind was preoccupied the entire week though, floating around about a foot above my actual head. If I could have stayed drunk the entire time, I would have gladly done so. As it was I managed three pretty decent buzzes & one intensely delicious binge during which I sang along to Jermaine Stewart's "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off" & broke six fingernails & fell down not once ... but twice. Though the first time I caught myself (probably the cause of the shattered nails) & was proud of it. That damn barstool was playing tricks on me I swear. Had a nice dinner on Valentines Day & Midori Margaritas are devine & visited with Dan & Sonja & Chloe for the evening while James napped off his burrito coma. Chloe is four & she kidnapped me repeatedly to have lava tea parties in her bedroom which we magically transformed into our "beautiful palace" & wore funny hats & discussed art & music (no lie) together. Had a decent little Mrs. Pac-Man showdown with Huffy & our top scores ended up being 102,000 for me & 92,000 for him. Worthy opponents are few & far & it was a good time even if it was only 9 degrees outside & the video game nazi kicked us out after only an hour. Drank a six pack of Guinness & made veggie oven burritos & Tam came over & brought Aqua Teen season 3 & had a good night of that. Can't stop talking like Carl now though & am secretly wishing for Jersey Mall Hair to work the accent properly. Watched A Dirty Shame (funny shit, see it) with James while eating some delicious veggie lasagne I made the night before & then took to the freezing night air (like minus 8) with Tasha on my last night in town. We hit Old Chicago for a couple of Guinness & then The Ancient Mariner in Manitou for some lovely Porter & Karaoke. The people there really got into their Karaoke & I was in stitches ... one guy sang that assish James Blunt "Beautiful" song ... complete with the warbly falsetto & nearly killed me when I inhaled a mouthful of beer. Then we went to Meadow Muffins & got hit on by some tools who had just moved to town from Michigan & "bought a big house down on Bijou." It was a good night & I was glad she came & kidnapped me. Even though upon arriving back at the apartment I couldn't feel my legs or feet or ass for a good hour. So effing cold. As I mentioned before, I fell in love with the plane rides. The flight home was a bit more turbulent than the first, but still I loved the flopping butterflies in the pit of my belly. Like hearing the voice of someone you love after a long, long time or feeling fluttery lips on the nape of your neck. The same feeling ... but many many miles above the Earth & I know it's lame but I can't wait to do it again. I had my Ipod & staring out the window listening to Iron & Wine (Such Great Heights) & My Morning Jacket (One Big Holiday) & Simon & Garfunkel (The Only Living Boy In New York) made me feel like everything below was completely insignificant & it was (for lack of a less cheesy-ass word for it) magical. Too bad I had to land. But land I did & now I've gotten my studio clean & laundry done & Mu Shu & Oonah have been groomed & loved & petted & fattened up with treats aplenty & I'll finish my book & then go to bed in a few hours & get up a few later & sling my shampoo & smile at everyone who asks how my vacation was & I'll say ... "great" or & I'll smile, brightly lying. & I'll be thinking ... "short" or :blowing my speakers: Maria Taylor ~ Leap Year
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