My mother is uncomfortable when she's near me.

She looks everywhere but at me.

She laughs way too loud at nothing & I can tell she'd rather be anywhere but around me.

I understand it must be hard to learn you failed to protect your children when they were young.

It can't be easy, but that's really no reason to alienate them.

This all hurts so much & I can't spare a minute to actually feel any of it.

I've got this itchy feeling on the edge of my soul telling me my family isn't ever going to recover from this even though we haven't sat down & spoken about it directly.

I'm doubting we ever will.

She looks everywhere but at me & it makes the shame that much worse... like she can see it on me, like it's somehow my fault.

Tears me to bits & I don't want to put the bits back together anymore. Rather leave them scattered.

I'm just too fucking tired.

I HATE this version of me. I'm weepy & solemn & reclusive & I think I need to call in sick for tomorrow & drink a bottle of wine for tonight.

:blowing my speakers: Psychadelic Furs ~ Sleep Comes Down
:feeding my head: Markus Zusak ~ The Book Thief (this book is BEAUTIFULLY written, narrated by Death ... positively gorgeous, like a ginormous poem & it's the perfect portrait of humanity, simultaneously tragic & glorious & everyone should read it)
:rotting my brain: Curb Your Enthusiasm season 4 (thank you for Larry David who can always make me giggle)

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